Leaning in

I survived the High Holidays! With a little bit of distance and reflection I can say that there was something different this year.  There was an dynamic energy in the room, a rhythm, a different vibe. Even my own prayers were more deeply expressed and felt. 

With my 30th birthday falling out on Yom Kippur, I would have expected the opposite. Fasting is enough to bring your energy down, but celebrating a birthday without cake or the usual fan fare can get you depressed.  As I've expressed before in this blog, this birthday also comes with tension. These big milestones cause us to not only celebrate, but also to grieve years behind us we will never be able to revisit and ask big questions. This tension really challenged me to do a deeper cheshbon hanefesh, soul searching. Elul, the month leading up to Rosh Hashanah, we are charged with confronting the decisions we have made. Couple that with another decade behind me and my cheshbon hanefesh was in full force, asking: What have I accomplished? Who have I become? What do I want the future to look like? I was living the tension, breathing it and running full force into it.

Coincidentally or not coincidentally,  I am also at my lowest weight (not just because of the fast, ladies and gentlemen!) This got me wondering, what is the relationship (if there is any) between "leaning in" (thank you Sheryl Sandberg) instead of ignoring tension and success at the scale?

This question really gets at how we deal with hard emotions in general: panic, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and boredom.You know what I'm talking about. Let's pretend you just wrote an entire blog entry (ahem) and it got lost (ahem) twice... (ahem), and you instinctively pop a brownie in your mouth without even realizing it. I can remember preparing for a big presentation the night before and getting so worked up that I began rummaging through my pantry and consumed the remains of a delicious eggy Zomicks Challah. Mmmmm..... Sweet sweet pillowy challah. Focus. This quick mindless snack soothes, distracts, and allows us to momentarily get our minds off of what is causing us tension. The issue is that we are left with the same problem after we're done chewing and we're making it harder for ourselves to control our eating.
 
So, what do you do? Lately I have been naming the emotion, literally saying out loud, "I am panicked because..." Naming the feeling doesn't remove the pain but it does allow it to settle with less frenzy.

I think of it like Adam in Genesis 2.  God needed a gardener and a zoo keeper for Eden so God makes Adam. What is Adam's first task? He names the animals. Naming something gives you some ownership over it, not to subdue it like Bereishit 1, but to be able to interact with it and call it to you. You become its master. Call the tension towards you instead of dodging it.

Weight loss is not only about food management and exercise. It's about the inner world of the individual. I know how many points are in a bagel. I don't need my meeting leader or friends for that. But each week, new challenges are sent my way and each week I need new inspiration, a different perspective, and refreshed commitment to help navigate the tension in my inner and outer life. Sometimes, when we lean into the tension, call it to us and don't let it wander our way, we not only feel more in control, but we feel more satisfied and we're willing to challenge ourselves and grow. 

Al Chet: a Weight Watchers Confessional

During the High Holidays, Jews do sincere self assessment, cheshbon hanefesh and we confess our mistakes in the Al Chet prayer.  This is my Weight Watchers Al Chet:

For the mistake of Mindlessly eating

For the mistake of Thinking it's all about the # at the scale

For the mistake of Forgiving others and not myself

For the mistake of Allowing others to bully me into eating

For the mistake of Letting my emotions overrun my carefully laid out plan

For the mistake of Eating in front of the TV

For the mistake of Choosing Facebook over reparative sleep

For the mistake of Falling back into old habits 

For the mistake of Forgetting to return to what works

For the mistake of Not taking the first step

For the mistake of Thinking I was over my struggles with food

For the mistake of Not celebrating another's weight loss success because of my own jealousy

For the mistake of Throwing out the whole day for one blunder

For the mistake of Not translating a mistake into a learning opportunity

For the mistake of Saying I will start on Monday

For the mistake of Not loving myself

For the mistake of Avoiding the scale when I know I have a gain and don't want to face my disappointment

For the mistake of Impatience with myself

For the mistake of Skipping meetings

For the mistake of Losing sight of all I have accomplished

For the mistake of Eating when I'm not hungry

For the mistake of Brushing off a compliment

For the mistake of Forgetting gratitude for my food

For the mistake of Comparing myself to others

For the mistake of Settling for what I have always done

For the mistake of Complacency in my workout 

For the mistake of Trying to game the plan instead of trying to eat for my needs

For the mistake of not working out because I only have 20 minutes

For the mistake of waking up after eating half of the bag, and finishing the whole bag

For the mistake of Not thinking I am worthy

For all these,  and more, God of forgiveness,  forgive us, pardon us, atone for us. Help us to be more mindful, patient, compassionate so that we can eat to live and sustain ourselves with gratitude.  

Make for Yourself a Kevin

Aseh lecha rav, u’kneh lecha chaver...” — “Make for yourself a mentor and acquire for yourself a friend...”

Many of you remember my "beat Kevin" challenge. My friend Kevin doubted whether I could lose a certain amount of weight by the time I was leaving for Israel in July. All I needed to hear was him question my ability in order to light a fire under my tush. With his friendly competition, I not only crushed him but achieved a long time goal. While I give myself credit, there is something to be said for having another person inspire and challenge you.

This is why the teaching above is so important. "Make for yourself a (rav) mentor, and acquire for yourself a chaver (friend)." One might think that going it alone is best. A lot of my friends do Weight Watchers online or try other diets. I understand that meetings are not for everyone, but even so, it is so valuable to have people around  to talk and inspire you.

This teaching sheds light on 2 important roles in life, mentors and friends. Both are so necessary to keep us devoted to our weight-loss journey and occasionally one person can be both. The first category, rav, includes people who challenge you and will encourage you to move passed your comfort zone. This person is hard to come by. This was Kevin for me. He pushed the right competition button that got me motivated.

And now I get to be a rav for Kevin! He is in the last week of a summer challenge to get to an all-time low after a tremendous amount of weight loss. He is dedicated and determined to beat me almost as much as I wanted to beat him. I say "almost" because I can't imagine anyone as fired up as I was. But he seems pretty determined to crush me as well. We'll know next week if Kevin "beats Dahlia."

The 2nd category from the teaching above, chaver, is much more nurturing. This person listens when you are struggling and celebrates you when you triumph (rav can do that too, btw).  They are the voice that soothes you when you have a set-back. When you lose sight of your success, they remind you of all your milestones. Going to meetings introduces you to a whole host of people like this. There is such a sweet feeling when you announce a success at the scale and a room full of likeminded people clap for you and your leader gives you a gold star. Sounds like Kindergarten, but only in the best ways (minus nap-time).

I am so grateful to find a WW leader that is both a rav and a chaver (shout out to Joann). She meets you where you are, encourages self love at all times, but also helps you shoot for the stars. An amazing leader helps you strike this challenging balance.

I have rejoined Weight Watchers 4 different times. When I stopped attending meetings the weight crept up. When you attend regularly, new ideas flow and you hear your journey in someone else's struggles and success. When achieved in community, weight loss and maintenance can not only be rewarding but sustainable. When I first started, the idea of attending meetings indefinitely terrified me. How daunting?!?! Now, I see it as my weekly spiritual nourishment, my community of chaverim (friends) and rabanim (mentors) and I feel so lucky to have them.

Can I Trust Myself?

People often say that maintenance is harder than weight loss. How could that be possible???? asks the sane person. You made it! You're at your goal! The hard part is done. Now it seems to be about keeping momentum and good habits up even when you don't have the endorphin kick of a loss at the scale. 

When I hit goal, I started to understand this. I was suddenly overcome with fear that I was going to lose control again and slide back into sloppy eating. Please don't imagine me with a bib on covered in bbq sauce- not that kind of sloppy eating! The kind where you sneak in an extra brownie here because you've "earned it," or you stop measuring out food because you're a pro by now. Many of us, me included, have been repeat Weight Watchers offenders, having to rejoin multiple times. 

How do I trust myself not to slide back into old habits? I hate to admit this, but I don't have a straightforward answer. I cannot predict the future. Who knows what stresses life will throw at me? There are all sorts of reasons why we gain or become less focussed on our eating. Sometimes other things need our focus!

But I do know that we are in a very important time, the month leading up to the High Holidays, which offers us great strength and insight. The buzzword for this time of year is teshuva, which you can translate as repentance, but I find it much more satisfying to translate it more literally as "returning." This is the time of year in which we return back to ourselves, and to others in our lives. But this blog is pretty selfish, so we'll focus on what it means to finding our way back to ourselves. I call this returning to factory settings. 

In these weeks we sit down with pen and paper and look at ourselves honestly, asking tough questions:

1. How have I disappointed myself?

2. How have I lived in my my body?

3. When did I take risks this past year?

4. What positive habits have fallen by the wayside?

5. Am I happy? What small steps could I take to get back on the right course?

This is so hard to do because sometimes it is painful to look at ourselves too closely. We might not like what we see so we often gloss over things or pretend they are not happening. It feels easier, but it gets us in trouble and leads us away from our goals. 

This is another of Judaism's greatest gifts, the periodic opportunities to return to ourselves. I'll share a private Jewish practice that is important to me which goes along these lines. On a monthly basis, I visit a mikvah, a Jewish ritual bath. After my monthly cycle, I go to a beautiful spa like mikvah and go through a process of returning to the most basic and honest version of me. I take off all of my jewelry, remove all make-up and nailpolish. I am bare. I take that time to sit and write in my journal about successes and failures from the previous month and hopes for the month to come. I examine my body to make sure it is ready for the mikvah and take an honest look at what has changed and what has stayed the same. It is a very grounding practice, one that ensures that I do not stray too far from myself. 

It is unreasonable to expect that I was always be at this weight or in this same condition. I also don't discount the possibility that I can grow and change and push myself harder. Holding my breathe and hoping I don't mess up is not an option. Life will happen and get in the way, but Im working on trusting myself to be honest, return to meetings, and return to myself. 

I Need a Hero!

Today is a miserable day. It is gray and rainy. There is nothing enticing about what I see outside. What really gets me is that this is my last few hours of a too short stay on the Jersey Shore's Long Beach Island. I envisioned waking up early, jogging on the beach, jumping into the ocean for a cool down and then reading the rest of the book, The Fault in Our Stars, while reclining in a beach chair. How nice does that sounds?!?!? Well... It's not going to happen and my disappointment grows with each of the tiny thuds of rain drops on the roof. This is one of those "hevel" (futility) days, when you feel like nothing will bring you happiness and you might as well just be miserable and hide under the covers with a jar of Nutella. (Don't you wish you were my family right now?)

By contrast, yesterday was glorious. Yesterday, after basking and baking (I'm a little crispy) in the sun for hours, I quoted my favorite verse from Psalms (we rabbis have things like favorite verses):

 זה היום עשה ה׳ נגילה ונשמחה בו

Zeh hayom asah hashem, nagila venismecha vo. 

"This is a day made (just for me) by God, let's enjoy it and be utterly content in it." (My liberal translation). 

That captures my feeling when the day just can't get any better. I love that feeling and I know I'm not alone. So what do you do when life gives you hevel (futility) and all you want is simcha (joyousness)?

I read in a magazine recently that "any day can be a good day." I took this to mean that you are the architect of what is a good day, whether you are given bright and shiny or dull and dank.

Lemons... Lemonade, right? Easier said than done. Because when you are in, what my hubby Aaron calls "a mood," it's hard to break out of it. 

I find that this is a question of will, that strength  and stubbornness inside that keeps you running that last (or first) mile, holds you're mouth shut when someone says "I" when it should be "me," and empowers you to turn down ice cream cake at a birthday party (why would you do that!!?)

My friend from my WW meeting, Kevin, inspired me when he said that his goal is to impose his will on life, rather than allowing life to impose itself on him. 

What a wonderful and powerful attitude. 

Just because you are served something it does not mean you need to except it as is. I'll give you an example.  Aaron leaves a little bit of whatever he is eating on the plate, just one less bite, to show himself that he imposes his will on the food, not the other way around. He is flexing his willpower muscle. Every time we do this, we grow that muscle and it becomes easier and easier to construct our lives as we want them to be and not just take what we are given. 

This is one of Judaism's greatest gifts to the observant Jew. Every time I look at a menu or go to a grocery store and say, "I eat this and don't eat that" because I observe kashrut (keep kosher), I am cultivating willpower. Every time I choose to read a book on Shabbat over going to the mall, I am sharpening that tool in my emotional and spiritual toolbox, the one that tells me that I can live out my values and not accept what others think I should do with my time. While we Jews love to eat, I will say that saying "no" to bacon all these years has made it easier to say "no" to other foods and habits that will not help achieve my weight or spiritual goals. Living an observant life of "don't's" and "do's" is reminding us that holiness is carved out of every day life. A snack is turned into a conversation with the unfolding source of creation when I say a blessing over my peach, because I didn't let hunger make me ravage it like a lion ripping into a gazelle. 

Willpower gives us the strength to take enjoyment out of a disgusting day, not allowing curveballs in our plans to derail our contentment. As we learn in Pirkei Avot, "Who is a hero? The person who overcomes his urges." It doesn't name grand heroic acts like saving a puppy from a burning building or splitting the Sea of Reeds. If you can break out of "a mood" and redeem the day, then you get a gold star. And if there is anything I have learned from Weight Watchers meetings its that no matter how old you get, we all love being rewarded with a gold star:)

Hit Pause on Time

Can't I just stop time, even just for a little bit?

As I count down to 30, I'm feeling all of these desires to hold life right where it is. I was picking out cards for a friend's 30th birthday and I hated almost every card that I saw. One said, "Happy 29th... again!" Messages like that get me angry and I want to blast this notion that there is an ideal age out of my mind and out of Hallmark.... BUT, I also share the insecurities that cards like these embody.  I want to love myself at every stage and just walk around with an attitude of fabulosity (technical term). On the other hand, I find myself worrying about loosening skin, grey hair, and stomach flatness. At some point I will start a family and as I contemplate that, I remember hearing someone say: "Having kids is the end of fun and the beginning of joy." Well, that's all well and good, but I really love FUN!

I don't think this feeling is only about turning 30. I hear from parents that they just want to hit the pause button and enjoy the stage they are in with their kids, especially when their kids are young (note: not usually said by parents of middle school kids). I hear the same thing from grandparents who want more time with their grandkids, and adult children who don't want to watch their parent's health decline.

This desire to pause is so deeply seeded in us especially when we start to realize how precious life is and how easily it can fly by or disappear. There is a story of King Solomon who asked his servant to find him a ring that could make a happy man sad and a sad man happy. Eventually, after scouring the land, he brought back the item of jewelry that Solomon described. The King looked at the engraving in the inside of the ring and read the words:

גם זה יעבור (Gam zeh ya'avor)

This too shall pass.

I call this the Kohelet syndrome. The book of Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) is also attributed to King Solomon. We read in Chapter 2: "

Therefore I hated life, because the deeds that are done under the sun were depressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind." He could have written for Hallmark. What a downer! I guess the guy really struggled with time also. This phrase, "grasping for wind" captures the urge to press pause. But it is just not possible. And when I accept that (reluctantly, because Superman was able to turn back time in one of his movies), I begin to remember the other parts of Kohelet.

The same Kohelet who appears  to say so often that living is vanity and time is slipping by also exclaims that there is nothing better than man rejoicing (3:22), and that nothing is better for man under the sun than to eat, drink, and be joyful (8:15)....Go, eat your bread with joy, drink your wine with a content mind; for God has already graced your deeds (9:7).

… He obviously didn’t know how many WW points are in a roll:)

It seems that the fleeting nature of time also makes us savor each moment that much more. It makes me want to get together with friends and share a delicious glass of wine, not so much that I lose myself, but just enough so that I really enjoy the moment. I think that while we cannot pause time, we can focus in on every moment more intently, drawing awareness to the way we live.

In this way, we do press pause.

This morning, I was running to my car and realized that I did not stop to enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face, so I just stopped dead in my tracks in front of my prius and gave up a little blessing that I felt joy over the warmth spreading over me.

The antidote to rushing time seems to be cultivated gratitude and mindfulness. Kohelet is right, we cannot turn 29 again, we cannot grasp at wind, but we can stand still occasionally and appreciate the breeze on our necks.

This Is Good

I found a surprise on my seat during my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. Along with my name tag, sat a card. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was for, but when I opened it I found birthday wishes from all of my Weight Watchers friends from that meeting. So sweet! I must have the best meeting. I had told my buddy, Kevin (yes, THE Kevin), that I was going away with 2 friends to celebrate our 30th birthdays and he rallied the troops to welcome me back with a card. Meanwhile, my birthday actually falls on Yom Kippur this year. Woohoo! Let's all celebrate with no cake and bad breathe. But we celebrated early to accommodate all our birthdays and now I have a card from my meeting to add to my simcha (happiness). As my mother always says, "happiness shared is multiplied."

The reason I am telling you all this is because of something amazing Kevin said to me. After I thanked him for the card, Kevin added, "you're worth it!"... What shocked me even more than his little blessing was my reply, "I think so too!" I'm not sure why, but tears flow through my eyes as I write this. Why is it such a big deal to say and really feel that I am worth it? Shouldn't this feeling of worthiness be ingrained in my deepest core? Shouldn't I look at the life I have built and the body that I live in and be like the God of Bereishit (Genesis) who looks at creation and says "this is good?" You're damn straight this is good (now militant Dahlia comes out).

 I'm angry that it has taken me so long to feel worthy. I'm not sure who I am angry with... magazines,  TV, models, our self perpetuating culture of extremes... It would take too much effort and therapy to figure that out and not enough room in this blog post. In fact my anger dissipates as I realize it is counter productive. It's time to nurture the positive, rather than stew on the negative. 

Our theme this morning in my meeting was body gratitude, identifying things you love about your body. It may seem self serving, but it is so important to cultivate and it really ties into worthiness. Think about all we have done with and in our bodies?!? I promise to keep this PG;) Some in my meeting shared that they loved their bodies because they had carried and birthed their babies. What a miracle! So I'll bare my soul and share what I am grateful for. I am celebrating this body because with it I have:

Climbed Masada in Israel many many times

Got down on the floor during the song "Shout" with my hubby and our friends at our wedding

Earned a bachelors, masters, and rabbinic ordination 

Done the freeze (break dancing move) at a ton of USY (youth group) dances...jealous?

Lifted my closest friends up on chairs at their weddings

Built a sukkah and various ikea furniture with my bare hands  

Stomped my feet with 100  8 year-olds singing "Ozi Vezimrat Yah"...(God you are my might) at camp

Lost 48 pounds! Even if some (or God forbid, ALL) of it comes back, I gotta celebrate that feat.  

This can just go on and the list will grow with every move I make. Maybe it will inspire others to make their own list. 

We're taught in the Jewish tradition that our bodies are on loan to us for our lifetime. They are a holy gift. Every time I cut up veggies or go for a run, it is not a punishment. It is an act of love and gratitude. 

Perhaps 30 will be the decade of, "I'm worth It."- Scratch that... I can't just wait and hope that someone will look at my life and bless it. It's time to look at the world I have created and say, "this is good." Because... it is:)