Thanksgiving Survival Guide

I think it is safe to say that Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I can travel (unlike many Jewish holidays), I don't have to host (thanks to my generous and organized mother-in-law, Carol), and I don't have to deliver a sermon!!!

BUT it has all of the the food pitfalls of all of the other holidays. Even though I don't eat Turkey (gobble gobble), I do usually have to loosen my belt or wear something with an elastic waist band on T-day. Here is the quicksand I usually find myself in during this sumptuous holiday:

1. If I don't eat, _______________, it's not Thanksgiving. What is your fill-in-the-blank? Pumpkin pie? Pecan pie (drooling, glahhhrg). Stuffing (glahhhrg again). When I wasn't a vegetarian, my favorite was a fork prepared with three items all stacked on my tongs ready to invade my mouth in this order, Turkey-Stuffing-cranberry sauce (regretting vegetarianism right now). Somehow the food makes the holiday. Will I feel satisfied without my favorites?

2. I'm enjoying myself and want to add to the pleasure with various caloric and delicious accoutrement like wine and deviled eggs.... mmmmm, mayonnaise goodness. Oooh, ooh, I just remembered the biscotti that my hubby's cousin makes. TO DIE FOR. As I said last week, sugar loves sugar, and pleasure loves pleasure, so I end of wanting to marbim besimcha, increase my joy with joyous foods.

3. I'm feeling anxious. There is something about seeing family that you only encounter once a year that makes you defend yourself and life circumstances, even if it's just in your head. There must be some sort of ligament in my arm that is attached to the area in my brain for small talk because I end up mindlessly shoving forkfuls of stuffing in my pie hole every time I answer questions about what it's like to be a rabbi on Long Island. In reality, I should be stuffing it in my stuffing hole, but that is neither here nor there.

4. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling by not eating their food. Does this sound familiar, "honey, just try a sliver for Grandma Silvia (note there is no Grandma Silvia in my life)." Even if it is not explicitly said, you still don't want to hurt imaginary or real feelings, by "ignoring" someone's dish whose stove must be very hot because they were slaving over it. I end up over eating because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. What about my feelings??

5. Leftovers. Leftovers. Leftovers. You end up eating the same foods again and again.

OK OK. Now that the pitfalls have been discussed, here are some SURVIVAL TIPS. Thanks to my meeting for inspiring many of these ideas:

1. Don't starve yourself the day of. Being ravenous only leads you to eat more later on. Eat a small, but substantial enough, meal like an omelet or yogurt with nuts.

2. If there is nothing "on plan" for you to eat at your meal, bring a dish that will make you satisfied and proud of yourself. You are worth the effort and most hosts will welcome some extra help.

3. Eat your main meal on a salad plate. This small swap actually works and you end up eating less. If you go back for seconds it's still less than if you ate on those platters we call plates.

4. Remember that when you say YES to someone else, you are saying NO to yourself. We deserve YES too (thanks for this tip, Stacey).

5. How to say YES to yourself in constructive ways: Treat yourself to something just for you that morning or the day before. I go out specifically to get a skinny vanilla latte that morning. It helps me get out of the house and the act of treating myself reminds me that when I say YES to myself in ways that are healthy and make me happy, I can make better choices later.

5. Move a little more:
 A. Add 5 minutes to your jog or walk that morning.
 B. In the middle of the meal, pause, and walk up and down the stairs a couple of times.
 C. Start a walking revolution. Invite other guests to walk around the block between the main meal and dessert. Don't forget to help clear first (Thanks, Joann for this tip)!

6. Keep your hands busy and have a special cup/drink that is no calorie, to inhibit your hands from picking.

7. Decide if you are willing to take a weight gain, a plateau, or if you want to lose. Everyone else will have different goals. If you're good with a weigh gain, how much? To each, his or her own and if Thanksgiving is your absolute FAV then maybe you're good with a bigger number on the scale. You can recover and rededicate the next day or next week.

8. Give away, throw away, or freeze leftovers. 'Nuff Said

I have now shared all of my wisdom and have none left. I hope you leave your meals feeling satisfied. Some people say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  Not my favorite saying. On Thanksgiving, the food tastes pretty damn good. But being satisfied with your choices and having control is glorious.

Perhaps we could say, "nothing tastes as good as being proud of yourself feels."

Sugar Loves Sugar

I heard this phrase, "sugar loves sugar," from a woman in my meeting and I understood right away. You have a crazy hankering for something sweet. You pop a weight watchers bar in your mouth, thinking it will do the trick, but it doesn't. You chug some diet coke, go into the freezer and chip away at frozen chocolate cake. Suddenly you have consumed an entire bag of kettle corn popcorn and you finally wake up. Something stops you finally and you only wish that this sudden halt would have happened an hour ago. 

SUGAR LOVES SUGAR. Eating something sweet just leads you down the rabbit hole. This isn't to say that this is always true, sometimes (when?) one Hershey Kiss is enough (what am I saying?). But often we find ourselves sliding down that slippery slope. And we have blown our extra weekly points and feel so out of control that we might as well not even calculate the damage. 

It reminds me of a teaching from Pirkei Avot: "Mitzvah goreret mitzvah, aveirah goreret aveirah." Doing one mitzvah leads you to another. Doing one sin leads you to another." A sense that you get seduced and it opens a door within you. 

The same is true of mindful acts to take care of yourself. Do one and you feel more inclined to do another. Intentionally get out of the subway one stop early and walk a little more. Buy a type of fruit this week that you have never tried. Eat dinner with a beautiful place setting and make dinner an experience. It's amazing how one act can lift you from an eating fog. We often think that weight loss requires major changes, but in truth its just a little decision right now that can shift our behavior. 

And what if we find ourselves down the rabbit hole, 60 points later? Should we just give up that day or the week, thinking "I can't lose this week anyway, why bother?" It is so easy and natural to think this way. One of my previous leaders said, if you broke one egg in a carton, would you go ahead and break the other 11? Of course not! So why not just change our thinking, forgive ourselves, learn something and then move on. 

Sugar may love sugar, but self care also loves self care. 

For Your Sake

“Our master taught:  Every person should have two pockets.  In one pocket should be a piece of paper saying:  “I am but dust and ashes” (Genesis 18:27).  In the other pocket should be a piece of paper saying:  “For my sake was the world created” (Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5).

I'm focussing on those times when you need the 2nd note.

You ever have one of those days where you feel like everything you say is wrong or unintelligent? We have the most irrational thoughts on these days. We tell ourselves no one loves us, that we are ugly, undesirable, that if people really knew us, they would run the other direction. We forget what happen is feels like and we are 90% sure we will never feel that way again.

OY it's hard to be human.

It's on those days when we are searching for something or someone to take away that pain, to say to us, “ I know you and the world was created for your sake, this moment was created for your sake.” We are lucky when we have people who know us well and make us feel so loved. To be honest, I strive for that kind of self love independent of who or what is around me. So that I am master of my own happiness. Sometimes it works. Often it doesn't. It's really hard. We often don't have the right back up to combat those feelings. And they would come on a way. So we feel that pain and turn to something soothing. Everyone has a different poison. Something to fill the void left behind this feeling of worthlessness.

It's strange that on those days we can't remember the feeling we have had of satisfaction. Wouldn't it be great if we could bottle that sensation? This is what commercials and packaging do. They try and convince us that whatever they want us to consume will make us feel like a million bucks. It won't. We will be momentarily distracted. Sometimes we need a little distraction but maybe one that is less fattening. I remember a meeting where a leader suggested hugging a teddy bear or calling a friend. We can distract with healthier options, but even too many frozen grapes can lead to a weight gain.

The question is, how do you shift from thinking you are dust and ashes to thinking that the world was created for your sake? Therapy is always a good choice. Good friends help. I think this is a lifelong battle for most of us. Not a switch that can be flipped. But there are things we can do to strengthen the self love muscle. Little gestures to ourselves can help remind us that the world was created for our sake.

I heard in a meeting that a woman goes out of her way to make herself feel special by drawing a bath. Another woman gets her nails done. A shopping trip or sitting down and making an elaborate meal just for yourself with a place setting and a rose. A deliberate act of saying to yourself, “you are worth the effort.” These are the notes in the pocket that say to us, “ the world was created for your sake.” Maybe we need to make a literal note that says this!  I envision a t-shirt with this printed or a pretty sign that is sold in Ace Hardware for your kitchen, right next to the sign that says, “I cook with wine and sometimes I even add it to the food.”

We spend so much time making others feel loved. Let's steal a little back and devote it to ourselves. We can also take a break and realize that even this feeling will pass and we will feel satisfied and strong again. Know what note you need at what time and don't be afraid to pull it out. It's not a luxury to make yourself feel good. It is a necessity. The right note at the right time. We’re worth it. 

Leaning in

I survived the High Holidays! With a little bit of distance and reflection I can say that there was something different this year.  There was an dynamic energy in the room, a rhythm, a different vibe. Even my own prayers were more deeply expressed and felt. 

With my 30th birthday falling out on Yom Kippur, I would have expected the opposite. Fasting is enough to bring your energy down, but celebrating a birthday without cake or the usual fan fare can get you depressed.  As I've expressed before in this blog, this birthday also comes with tension. These big milestones cause us to not only celebrate, but also to grieve years behind us we will never be able to revisit and ask big questions. This tension really challenged me to do a deeper cheshbon hanefesh, soul searching. Elul, the month leading up to Rosh Hashanah, we are charged with confronting the decisions we have made. Couple that with another decade behind me and my cheshbon hanefesh was in full force, asking: What have I accomplished? Who have I become? What do I want the future to look like? I was living the tension, breathing it and running full force into it.

Coincidentally or not coincidentally,  I am also at my lowest weight (not just because of the fast, ladies and gentlemen!) This got me wondering, what is the relationship (if there is any) between "leaning in" (thank you Sheryl Sandberg) instead of ignoring tension and success at the scale?

This question really gets at how we deal with hard emotions in general: panic, anxiety, frustration, disappointment and boredom.You know what I'm talking about. Let's pretend you just wrote an entire blog entry (ahem) and it got lost (ahem) twice... (ahem), and you instinctively pop a brownie in your mouth without even realizing it. I can remember preparing for a big presentation the night before and getting so worked up that I began rummaging through my pantry and consumed the remains of a delicious eggy Zomicks Challah. Mmmmm..... Sweet sweet pillowy challah. Focus. This quick mindless snack soothes, distracts, and allows us to momentarily get our minds off of what is causing us tension. The issue is that we are left with the same problem after we're done chewing and we're making it harder for ourselves to control our eating.
 
So, what do you do? Lately I have been naming the emotion, literally saying out loud, "I am panicked because..." Naming the feeling doesn't remove the pain but it does allow it to settle with less frenzy.

I think of it like Adam in Genesis 2.  God needed a gardener and a zoo keeper for Eden so God makes Adam. What is Adam's first task? He names the animals. Naming something gives you some ownership over it, not to subdue it like Bereishit 1, but to be able to interact with it and call it to you. You become its master. Call the tension towards you instead of dodging it.

Weight loss is not only about food management and exercise. It's about the inner world of the individual. I know how many points are in a bagel. I don't need my meeting leader or friends for that. But each week, new challenges are sent my way and each week I need new inspiration, a different perspective, and refreshed commitment to help navigate the tension in my inner and outer life. Sometimes, when we lean into the tension, call it to us and don't let it wander our way, we not only feel more in control, but we feel more satisfied and we're willing to challenge ourselves and grow. 

Al Chet: a Weight Watchers Confessional

During the High Holidays, Jews do sincere self assessment, cheshbon hanefesh and we confess our mistakes in the Al Chet prayer.  This is my Weight Watchers Al Chet:

For the mistake of Mindlessly eating

For the mistake of Thinking it's all about the # at the scale

For the mistake of Forgiving others and not myself

For the mistake of Allowing others to bully me into eating

For the mistake of Letting my emotions overrun my carefully laid out plan

For the mistake of Eating in front of the TV

For the mistake of Choosing Facebook over reparative sleep

For the mistake of Falling back into old habits 

For the mistake of Forgetting to return to what works

For the mistake of Not taking the first step

For the mistake of Thinking I was over my struggles with food

For the mistake of Not celebrating another's weight loss success because of my own jealousy

For the mistake of Throwing out the whole day for one blunder

For the mistake of Not translating a mistake into a learning opportunity

For the mistake of Saying I will start on Monday

For the mistake of Not loving myself

For the mistake of Avoiding the scale when I know I have a gain and don't want to face my disappointment

For the mistake of Impatience with myself

For the mistake of Skipping meetings

For the mistake of Losing sight of all I have accomplished

For the mistake of Eating when I'm not hungry

For the mistake of Brushing off a compliment

For the mistake of Forgetting gratitude for my food

For the mistake of Comparing myself to others

For the mistake of Settling for what I have always done

For the mistake of Complacency in my workout 

For the mistake of Trying to game the plan instead of trying to eat for my needs

For the mistake of not working out because I only have 20 minutes

For the mistake of waking up after eating half of the bag, and finishing the whole bag

For the mistake of Not thinking I am worthy

For all these,  and more, God of forgiveness,  forgive us, pardon us, atone for us. Help us to be more mindful, patient, compassionate so that we can eat to live and sustain ourselves with gratitude.  

Make for Yourself a Kevin

Aseh lecha rav, u’kneh lecha chaver...” — “Make for yourself a mentor and acquire for yourself a friend...”

Many of you remember my "beat Kevin" challenge. My friend Kevin doubted whether I could lose a certain amount of weight by the time I was leaving for Israel in July. All I needed to hear was him question my ability in order to light a fire under my tush. With his friendly competition, I not only crushed him but achieved a long time goal. While I give myself credit, there is something to be said for having another person inspire and challenge you.

This is why the teaching above is so important. "Make for yourself a (rav) mentor, and acquire for yourself a chaver (friend)." One might think that going it alone is best. A lot of my friends do Weight Watchers online or try other diets. I understand that meetings are not for everyone, but even so, it is so valuable to have people around  to talk and inspire you.

This teaching sheds light on 2 important roles in life, mentors and friends. Both are so necessary to keep us devoted to our weight-loss journey and occasionally one person can be both. The first category, rav, includes people who challenge you and will encourage you to move passed your comfort zone. This person is hard to come by. This was Kevin for me. He pushed the right competition button that got me motivated.

And now I get to be a rav for Kevin! He is in the last week of a summer challenge to get to an all-time low after a tremendous amount of weight loss. He is dedicated and determined to beat me almost as much as I wanted to beat him. I say "almost" because I can't imagine anyone as fired up as I was. But he seems pretty determined to crush me as well. We'll know next week if Kevin "beats Dahlia."

The 2nd category from the teaching above, chaver, is much more nurturing. This person listens when you are struggling and celebrates you when you triumph (rav can do that too, btw).  They are the voice that soothes you when you have a set-back. When you lose sight of your success, they remind you of all your milestones. Going to meetings introduces you to a whole host of people like this. There is such a sweet feeling when you announce a success at the scale and a room full of likeminded people clap for you and your leader gives you a gold star. Sounds like Kindergarten, but only in the best ways (minus nap-time).

I am so grateful to find a WW leader that is both a rav and a chaver (shout out to Joann). She meets you where you are, encourages self love at all times, but also helps you shoot for the stars. An amazing leader helps you strike this challenging balance.

I have rejoined Weight Watchers 4 different times. When I stopped attending meetings the weight crept up. When you attend regularly, new ideas flow and you hear your journey in someone else's struggles and success. When achieved in community, weight loss and maintenance can not only be rewarding but sustainable. When I first started, the idea of attending meetings indefinitely terrified me. How daunting?!?! Now, I see it as my weekly spiritual nourishment, my community of chaverim (friends) and rabanim (mentors) and I feel so lucky to have them.

Can I Trust Myself?

People often say that maintenance is harder than weight loss. How could that be possible???? asks the sane person. You made it! You're at your goal! The hard part is done. Now it seems to be about keeping momentum and good habits up even when you don't have the endorphin kick of a loss at the scale. 

When I hit goal, I started to understand this. I was suddenly overcome with fear that I was going to lose control again and slide back into sloppy eating. Please don't imagine me with a bib on covered in bbq sauce- not that kind of sloppy eating! The kind where you sneak in an extra brownie here because you've "earned it," or you stop measuring out food because you're a pro by now. Many of us, me included, have been repeat Weight Watchers offenders, having to rejoin multiple times. 

How do I trust myself not to slide back into old habits? I hate to admit this, but I don't have a straightforward answer. I cannot predict the future. Who knows what stresses life will throw at me? There are all sorts of reasons why we gain or become less focussed on our eating. Sometimes other things need our focus!

But I do know that we are in a very important time, the month leading up to the High Holidays, which offers us great strength and insight. The buzzword for this time of year is teshuva, which you can translate as repentance, but I find it much more satisfying to translate it more literally as "returning." This is the time of year in which we return back to ourselves, and to others in our lives. But this blog is pretty selfish, so we'll focus on what it means to finding our way back to ourselves. I call this returning to factory settings. 

In these weeks we sit down with pen and paper and look at ourselves honestly, asking tough questions:

1. How have I disappointed myself?

2. How have I lived in my my body?

3. When did I take risks this past year?

4. What positive habits have fallen by the wayside?

5. Am I happy? What small steps could I take to get back on the right course?

This is so hard to do because sometimes it is painful to look at ourselves too closely. We might not like what we see so we often gloss over things or pretend they are not happening. It feels easier, but it gets us in trouble and leads us away from our goals. 

This is another of Judaism's greatest gifts, the periodic opportunities to return to ourselves. I'll share a private Jewish practice that is important to me which goes along these lines. On a monthly basis, I visit a mikvah, a Jewish ritual bath. After my monthly cycle, I go to a beautiful spa like mikvah and go through a process of returning to the most basic and honest version of me. I take off all of my jewelry, remove all make-up and nailpolish. I am bare. I take that time to sit and write in my journal about successes and failures from the previous month and hopes for the month to come. I examine my body to make sure it is ready for the mikvah and take an honest look at what has changed and what has stayed the same. It is a very grounding practice, one that ensures that I do not stray too far from myself. 

It is unreasonable to expect that I was always be at this weight or in this same condition. I also don't discount the possibility that I can grow and change and push myself harder. Holding my breathe and hoping I don't mess up is not an option. Life will happen and get in the way, but Im working on trusting myself to be honest, return to meetings, and return to myself.